Video: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend‘s Rachel Bloom sings “It’s the Sexy Golden Globey Song.”
Dames, we know we look great the way we are…but sometimes we want to look just a little bit, um, more streamlined. While e certainly have not worn every possible shapewear style and brand that the world has to offer, we have learned a few things.
Observation #1: The typical shapewear model absolutely does not need to wear shapewear. At. All. Fashion merchants, you are ridiculous. Yeah, we get that even skinny models want to get rid of unsightly panty lines, but are you effing kidding us?
Observation #2: Maternity shapewear. Whaaaat?
Observation #3: The world has way, way, way too much lingerie. Seriously. Approximately 10,000 brands and types of shapewear are available just for your midsection, and another 10,000 things available to streamline, smoothen, lift or restrain the rest of your body.
Observation #4: We have learned that some women wear girdles.
And, some shopping tips:
- Pick the right size: Avoid the temptation of one-size-smaller. When the shapewear is too tight, it is really uncomfortable and it will take you 30 minutes just to pee. So. Not. Worth. It.
- Pick the right level of shapiness: Shapewear comes in different levels of restraint, from light to super-firm. The higher the nylon content, the more the garment will shape you. Or strangle you, depending. Pick your level with care. However, even firm control can still be comfortable.
- Pick shapewear for your particular body. If you are bigger here and smaller there, go for shapewear separates rather than an all-encompassing bodysuit that only fits part of you properly.
- Pick shapewear for the season: All that shaping generally comes from nylon and spandex, two of the world’s most sweat-inducing materials. For hot summer wear, look for styles that incorporate cotton for breathability and less sweating.
- Pick shapewear that stays put: Some of your lesser shapewear slips will roll up your legs when you walk and form a doughnut around your hips. Then you have to find a discreet place to put your hands up your dress and pull the damn slip back down. Too-small shapewear has this effect, too, so don’t say we didn’t warn you.
- Pick shapewear with a high waist: A high waist that ends below your bust creates a smooth line and won’t roll down when you breathe and create an unsightly doughnut around your waistline. We speak from experience. Exceptions: A high waist might not work if your torso is particularly narrow or wide.
- Ease it on: Don’t jump from the bubble bath straight into your shapewear when your skin is hot, damp and sticky. A colonoscopy would be more fun.
For more tips on making the best possible shapewear selection for you, check out these handy tools and guides:
And, finally, remember that comfort and ease of movement are more important than any panty line.